The car seems uncomfortably warm, but then again the April winds are blowing so hard and we cannot let the cold rain get in. One, two, three voices all join in at the same time; it’s an argument over who can tell what song the radio is humming. They turned the volume up because of the piercing awkward silence, the distinct air of something tense and tight about to erupt. They don’t know, they don’t really care to know, it’s always like this, we are always fighting, nothing new here; they don’t know, they don’t care to know. Lights, lights, all red lights, all Stop signs, all car breaks; when will we get there. If only the lights would change much faster, if only, if only.
Again with the irritating heat in the car, he will not turn it down, he likes it hot. There is no more space on the other side of the car; I am sandwiched in the middle of the back seat. On my right sits my best friend in the world, on my left sits my abuser and bully, the one person I know will pull a knife on me one day and this time it won’t be for kicks, this time it will be real, he will explode, I know this. I thought he was my friend, I thought we had a connection; I thought I thought I really thought. They don’t know, they don’t really care to know, it’s always like this, we are always fighting, nothing new here; they don’t know, they don’t care to know.
He knows I am stiff, uneasy. He reads me well, it’s what he does, he’s had so many months with me to know me like the back of his hand. I can feel his elbow nudging me in the ribs, it is very painful and he knows this, he likes it when I hurt, when I cry, when I plead. And I cannot move further, the car is too small, there is nowhere for me to go. I am trapped, I am trapped I am so trapped. And so the hyperventilation, ha..ha..ha..ha deep breaths, you got this, deep breaths. We will soon be there, just hold on.
I want out, let me out of this car right now…..can you not hear me scream, he is hurting me, please please please…and the tears and the sobs, and the tears, I have never been so terrified.
Oh come on Helen, you are over reacting, you guys are always playing, we cannot stop the car, how will you find your way home, it is dangerous out there. Just tell him to leave you alone.
And the car radio is turned up, hip-hop and r n b, I could dance to that, all the songs seem so familiar, the car seems so familiar, the air, the night, the mistiness, the moment seems like de ja vu, I have been here before, lots of times before. But this time it really is happening.
Please switch seats with me, he is hurting me, I swear he is hurting me.
No, we will be there in 20, just sit still, get a room or something, why don’t you two just kiss and get it over with, be adults you two, hehehehehe…
And the laughter; the careless, annoying, stupid carefree laughter. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them so much, I will die here, and he will kill me, and I will hate them, I will die hating them. They do not know, they do not know, oh my God help me, they do not know.
The jabbing in the ribs has stopped now, maybe my prayers are working. Noooo…..the sharp sharp piercing pain. What is he holding in his hand, I think I have been cut, pinched, lacerated…stabbed? No…..yes…my shirt feels wet, is that a red stain? Why is the music so loud, what is this. And then his words, So you think I’m the bad guy, so you think I’m the one to blame for everything bad in this world. I will show you who the bad guy is.
There is the sign, finally, we are pulling up on to the college campus, I cannot scream, I cannot cry, they will not believe me, it is excruciating. This is not how it was supposed to be. I am free, I am safe, I shall stumble slowly out of the car, no one can ever know. We fight all the time, this was no different, I have to make it to my door before he follows me, he can’t follow me, he heads to his door, to his boys, to his bed, he heads away, head held high, chest puffed out, I will show you bitch, he screams, but I cannot hear him so clearly, I think I am badly injured.
Face my abuser, I must
But what if I do not want to, ignÅtus, I see nothing
Deal with this like every other
Run, runaway, run as fast as you can
But know this; one never gets far enough, it is never adequate.
It was not always like this; there was friendship once, joy before, all sincere too, never believe for one minute that it was not real.
Feeding off the courage and confidence of others is what he does; he has told me this before
His mother beat him up and his father beat his mummy up, he has told me this before
Everyone thinks he is the bad person; he just has one of those looks, so he says
He likes a girl who hits him back, beats him back, threatens him back with fists and fights
He hates rich people, he hates anyone who has anything more than he has, this too he has said
And the whole time I was so blind, I did not think that one day he would turn on me
I have been saving things ever since I was little. I once took in a stray dog (his name was Terry), a stray cat (his name was Julius) and a stray bird (her name was Wendy)
And as I have grown older, I have taken in stray people; stray men, stray women, girls, boys all
Stray animals with a history of abuse, will not re-act out their assault, will not let it mold them into duplicate abusers, will not let it taunt them, somehow they move on
Stray humans with a history of abuse, sometimes, sometimes, will reproduce the very abuse they suffered, will repeat it on victims friends or foe
How could I have not seen this coming?
Last month he gave me a slap, we tangled, I fought back, we laughed about it
Last week he gave me a blow, I spat on him, called him names, come morning and it was forgotten
This time I don’t think it can ever be forgotten. It wasn’t always like this
It hurts because I let it happen again
It hurts because I let it get so bad
It hurts because our friends know but they will not do anything
Most of all, it hurts because I will not talk, I will not report it, I will tell no one
It hurts because I will take the secret with me wherever I go, the scar to remind of my cowardice, my pathetic helplessness, my reminder that he won, and I lost. And it will hurt and hurt and hurt.
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